Musings While Medicated: Forgive But Never Forget!

Ah sativa to come and conquer my anxiety! It’s been a difficult few days but I’m not going to go into the day-to-day chaos of my life. I have been working on a difficult blog post all week and then Brock Turner was released from prison.

Rapist Brock Turner, formerly a student at Stanford, was caught in the act of raping a passed-out drunk woman behind a dumpster. A judge only sentenced him to 6 months in prison, of which he served half. 3 months? 3 months for a man caught by 2 people in the midst of raping someone? This makes absolutely no sense! I served longer in an abusive relationship than Brock did in prison!

I realized lately how much pain and anger I’m holding against people who have hurt me. I can forgive them, but I will never forget what they did to me.

Grandpa Bill, I forgive you for the emotional and verbal from childhood until you died. To my parents, I forgive you for not saying anything to the old man about what he did to you and us. Specifically to my dad, forgiveness for the verbal and emotional abuse, domestic violence that still effects me, and the spankings that caused me to piss myself. To my peers who bullied me for stuttering, having glasses, or not having the right clothes, you are forgiven. For David, my senior year of high school boyfriend who cheated on me with a guy, forgiven years ago.  Scott who was my first boyfriend in college and couldn’t handle me having male friends, didn’t truly trust me-I forgive you for not having an honest relationship with me.

Andrew Montgomery, I have so much trouble forgiving you and what you did. It was 12 years ago and it’s still with me all the time. But you are slowly dying of cancer and are in pain. Thanks to karma, I  can forgive you. BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THE HELL I WENT THROUGH FOR 4 MONTHS WITH YOU!! AND I WILL NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

Robin, my ex-husband. I forgave you awhile ago. For thinking that you could heal me, change me. For lying to me, not communicating, for cheating on me for a year, I forgave you 3 years ago. But forget? Not gonna happen.

Oh the service dog community, there are so many to list and name. I’ll only name some. Martha, Marijane, Kate, Dory, Alyssa, Holly, Margo, Dani, Ty, Sadie, Julee, I think that’s more than some. As far as I know, only a few have continued the trash talk for the last 3 years. Because they sadly spend(t) so much of their lives talking trash about an ordinary person who just wanted to be left alone, I can forgive all of them. I sure as FUCK won’t forget. The 5 days I spent inpatient because I wanted to be dead rather than deal with them? I won’t forget. Them telling me to kill Max and myself, not forgetting. The continued harassment and gossip from pathetic people who have nothing better to do? It’s forgiven but never forgotten.

My this is getting to be quite the list!’

Aaron, the guy I briefly dated after my marriage ended. I can forgive him for dumping due to the sexual orientation that he was aware of but still pushed me to go beyond my comfort zone. I’ve been beyond, I’m over it. I forgive you for dumping me because I didn’t put out but continuing to flirt with me. But I’m not going to forget.

Lastly, we have my sister who broke a big promise to me. When I told her that I was leaving Robin, she told me to come live with her. I could stay there for as long as I needed. Or until I clashed with her husband. Her misogynistic, anti-Semitic, sexist, homophobic, vulgar, and xenophobic husband who barely works and can’t get it up. But I absolutely hate him so getting away was a good thing but he wrecked the relationship between us. Bitch (a term of endearment), I forgive you for breaking your promise (marrying the asshole is on you) but I will not forget.

I think that the cannabis is starting to wear off. I think that means we’re done here. This is a pretty extensive list and I find that kinda sad. So many people to forgive and so much that I will NEVER forget.

Believe in Yourself

This afternoon I took my service dog on a training walk and filmed it. I planned on putting the pieces together and posting it on his Facebook page but a new app and many spoons later, it’s still not done. I also started 6 hours ago and I’m eating dinner at 1am. I’ll post here in the morning, I promise!

Max and I were done with the training part and just enjoying our walk towards home. I was wearing this hoodie. I have a few items with this symbol on it. They are from this company.


3ELove

3Elove-Embrace your disabilities, Empower yourself, Educate people about your disabilities, love yourself, and love those who are disabled. It’s a great message. I also have a sweatshirt that says HOPE and one that says I ❤  Service Dogs.

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As I passed the library, two men in desperate need of a shower were sharing a joint. As we approached, they hid the joint. I laughed as they don’t need to hide pot from me. One of them asked me if my hoodie said Believe or Belize. I told him. He said to me,”You’re nothing in front of God but Jesus loves you.” I turned to him and said,”I am something and God believes in me and I believe in Her.” The man opened his mouth to say something and nothing came out.

Those who know me, know I do believe in a Higher Power. Whether you call It God, Allah, Buddha, He Who Must Not Be Named, Mother Goddess, Brahman, Gaia, YHVH, Father Sky, Coyote, Dagda, Amun-ra or Quetzalcoatl, I do believe. But although it’s it’s in the minutiae quite often, I also believe in myself.

I think it’s very harmful to tell strangers “the end is near” “you’re all sinners” “there’s no god” “you’re nothing in front of God”. What if that person was severely depressed and your words were the last straw? Sure, you can’t control the actions of others. You can only control what you do and say. Or at least try. You just never know.

Selah

Unapologetic Bitch

It’s International Women’s Day (when I started to write this) so you probably expected me to write about feminism, ableism towards women, trans women, childfree women, the prevelance of abuse and rape culture or some other typical women’s rights topic. But I’m a woman and I’m going to write about whatever I damn well please!

This is a Madonna song from her “RebelHeart” album. It’s called “Unapologetic Bitch”. Video is below, lyrics below that

Woke up this morning feeling good that you were gone
Hurt for a while, but I’m finally moving on
Said it, did it, hit it, quit it
Then you let it go
See you tryin’ to call me, but I blocked you on my phone
It took a minute, but now I’m feeling strong
It almost killed me, but I’m better off alone
Now you’re saying that you’re sorry, I don’t wanna know
Better face the fact you had to go

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

You know you never really knew how much you loved me till you lost me
Did you?
You know you never really knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me
Well fuck you

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an

I know you’d like it if I sat at home and cried
But that ain’t gonna happen, here’s the reason why
When we did it, I’ll admit it, wasn’t satisfied
When the gun was loaded you were never on the side
I’m popping bottles that you can’t even afford
I’m throwing parties and you won’t get in the door
Said it, get it, love it, hate it
I don’t care no more
Tell me how it feels to be ignored

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

You know you never really knew how much you loved me till you lost me
Did you?
You know you never really knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me
Well fuck you

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

You know you never really knew how much you loved me, till you lost me
Did you?
You know you never knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me
Well, fuck you

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an”

It’s been almost 4 years since I left the cheating asshole. He cheated on me for a year! I gave him so many chances and he said he’d stop, he’d change, but he didn’t and I was done. I packed up and moved out. I admit that I was upset for quite awhile, I was with him for almost 8 years. He had also helped me through some very difficult parts of my life. But then he stabbed me in the back!

He frequently apologizes for not being a better husband, wishing he had done better by me, wishing he had gone to therapy with me as I asked him to. Well, it’s too fucking late! There’s no DeLorean to get into and go change the past. So fuck you!

Do you know how many times I forced myself to have sex with you when I found it repulsive? EVERY FUCKING TIME!  I faked orgasms to make you happy. Every time I looked up at you, grinding away at me with no concern for my feelings, I saw my abusive ex. It was like being raped again, every single time! You said that you wanted to help me, to “fix” me. What you wanted was a wife who was a tiger in the bedroom who would also support you financially. I put up with your selfish bullshit for long enough! You have no FUCKING clue what that did to my soul! I was depressed like I never had been before. Life, as I knew it, was, was over.

So, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR CHEATING, FUCK YOUR LYING, FUCK YOUR DRINKING, FUCK YOUR “PROMISES”, FUCK YOUR SECRETS, BUT MOST OF ALL-FUCK YOU!

Maybe I’m an unapologetic bitch but I gotta call it like it is.

 

 

On Death and Dying-in memory of Batya.

In December, I said, I was going to buy a Chumash in January. I only had a Tanakh and I wanted my own Chumash at home for studying. My non-Jewish readers might be a little bit confused. A Chumash is a book. It has the first five books of the Bible (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. Chumash is a derivative of the word for 5.) It’sin Hebrew and the lingua franca, in my case that’s English. There’s also commentary on what is going on. Since the first 5 books are divided into into a certain way as to be read weekky, there’s a section from Prophets with the weekly reading. It’s in the Chumash right after the weekly reading. The Tanakh is a much larger book, it’s the entire Hebrew Bible. T is for Torah or the first 5 books. N is for nevi’im which is prophets. Kh is ketuvim which is writings such as psalms, lamentations, proverbs.

But in January I had to catch up on some bills due to holiday spending so I told myself that I’d get a Chumash in February. Well, right at the end of January my service dog Max got an infected abcess on his paw. An expensive trip to the vet took precedent over the Chumash. Last week at Torah Study, I saw our synagogue librarian going through some books that I knew didn’t belong to the library. The bibliophile in me had to inquire about the books. Apparently they were for sale! They had been donated to the synagogue and while some were being kept for the library, others were being sold as a fundraiser. I started to page through them and my heart sank. The flyleaf said “From The Library of Betty Braver”

Betty (Batya) Braver was a well-respected and very much liked member of our community. She lost her battle with cancer last year and donated her Judaism library to the synagogue. Betty wasn’t just a member of the synagogue. Betty was gifted with the skill of being able to read from the Torah scroll. For those who don’t know, the scroll has no vowels or punctuation. Not only do you read it, you chant it and the musical notations are not in the scroll. Betty not only had this skill but she taught classes so others could learn. I was able to take one of the classes from her. The whole community mourned her passing.

In the box of books, I saw a Chumash! I was so excited! I was going to get a Chumash at a great price and one that was used by a wonderful person. The English calls this  version version with commentary by Reb Aryeh Kaplan “The Living Torah”. And Betty’s memory will forever live at Temple Beth El, through her books, through those chant trope like, via her children, and through all the lives she touched. The people we love never go away for they live in our hearts.

Selah

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The 5th Night of Hanukkah-a look at the past.

This is the 5th night of Hanukkah and I miss my grandparents. I talk to Grandma every week but Grandpa no longer remembers me, dementia. They were born in the same year as the lovely woman singing in this video. I have extremely beautiful memories of my grandpa who nurtured my love for music and always made me laugh. Our favorite song was in Ladino, Hebrew-Spanish. If I start to sing it, Grandpa will start to sing along as he remembers. Music is what brings us together, it’s one of the few things that triggers memories for Grandpa.

This song is written from the perspective of a child and I am no longer a child not will I ever have one. But when I hear it, I think about my grandpa and the wonderful influence he had on me as a child. I was often a depressed adolescent and then teenager but Grandpa always believed in me. He wanted me to be happy, even if I didn’t have a high-powered career. He loved me for he who I am.

Ladino language lyrics

Hanukah linda sta aki, ocho kandelas para mi, O…
Una kandelika, dos kandelikas, tres kandelikas,
kuatro kandelikas, sintyu kandelikas,
sej kandelikas, siete kandelikas, ocho kandelas para mi.
Muchas fiestas vo fazer, kon alegria i plazer,
Muchas fiestas vo fazer, kon alegria i plazer, O…
Una kandelika, dos kandelikas, tres kandelikas,
kuatro kandelikas, sintyu kandelikas,
sej kandelikas, siete kandelikas, ocho kandelas para mi.
Los pastelikos vo kumer, kon almendrikas i la myel,
Los pastelikos vo kumer, kon almendrikas i la myel. O…
Una kandelika, dos kandelikas, tres kandelikas,
kuatro kandelikas, sintyu kandelikas,
sej kandelikas, siete kandelikas, ocho kandelas para mi.

English translation

Beautiful Hanukkah is here. Eight candles for me, Oh…
One little candle, two little candles, three little candles,
four little candles, five little candles,
six little candles, seven little candles, eight candles for me.
There will be a lot of parties, with joy and happiness,
There will be a lot of parties, with joy and happiness, Oh…
One little candle, two little candles, three little candles,
four little candles, five little candles,
six little candles, seven little candles, eight candles for me.
We’re going to eat little pastries, with small almonds and honey,
We’re going to eat little pastries, with small almonds and honey. Oh…
One little candle, two little candles, three little candles,
four little candles, five little candles,
six little candles, seven little candles.
Eight candles for me.

Musings While Medicated: Rom-Coms are bullshit.

TRIGGERS THERE SHALL BE!

Years ago, I worked at Target for a while. Every 2 weeks we got paid and I bought one of the cheap movies. I have amassed quite a collection of movies, most of them I don’t usually feel like watching. I like them but they make me sad. They remind me of times when my life was different but was a lie.

A few days ago I was watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding; today I was watching 50 First Dates (after having a massive panic attack). Both are rom-coms where the men go amazing lengths for the women they love. In one, it’s religious conversion. In another, it’s learning to help with a disability. But life ain’t a fucking rom-com! It’s difficult to find someone who is willing to make sacrifices for their partner. Or even comprise.

He said he loved me, that he’d convert to Judaism for me. It was a long distance relationship so I found a synagogue near him. But he never did anything with the information. Instead, he hurt me. He’d travel to see me and sexually assault me. He lied, ignored me, didn’t have good hygiene, and used me like a fuck doll.

Then I thought the good guy in the movie of life was coming into save me. He knew what the rapist did to me. He said he’d stick with me and help me heal. I had goals for life. The hero said he’d take the steps necessary to help me make those goals. But he wasn’t able to stick around long enough to let me heal nor was he also to make the steps. We aren’t living in a little cottage where I can take life day by day and he is a handiman for people as he liked to do. I was once again without anyone.

Now I don’t even have family. I’m a pariah and they moved me away from them so they don’t have to deal with me. So now I have me. Max and I.  Life is not a romantic comedy! You don’t always have the perfect loving group of people around you, you don’t have a knight in shining armor, but you have real life. Hold life, push out your presence, do self care, feel empowered. You must think of yourself first. Whether someone helps you or not, you can ALWAYS care for yourself. Don’t be dependent on someone else. That way you always have yourself. This might not be easy and may take time but it’s very worth it. Do for yourself before you can do for others. You can’t change your whole life for some at the drop of a hat. LIFE IS NOT A ROM-COM!