Musings While Medicated: Forgive But Never Forget!

Ah sativa to come and conquer my anxiety! It’s been a difficult few days but I’m not going to go into the day-to-day chaos of my life. I have been working on a difficult blog post all week and then Brock Turner was released from prison.

Rapist Brock Turner, formerly a student at Stanford, was caught in the act of raping a passed-out drunk woman behind a dumpster. A judge only sentenced him to 6 months in prison, of which he served half. 3 months? 3 months for a man caught by 2 people in the midst of raping someone? This makes absolutely no sense! I served longer in an abusive relationship than Brock did in prison!

I realized lately how much pain and anger I’m holding against people who have hurt me. I can forgive them, but I will never forget what they did to me.

Grandpa Bill, I forgive you for the emotional and verbal from childhood until you died. To my parents, I forgive you for not saying anything to the old man about what he did to you and us. Specifically to my dad, forgiveness for the verbal and emotional abuse, domestic violence that still effects me, and the spankings that caused me to piss myself. To my peers who bullied me for stuttering, having glasses, or not having the right clothes, you are forgiven. For David, my senior year of high school boyfriend who cheated on me with a guy, forgiven years ago.  Scott who was my first boyfriend in college and couldn’t handle me having male friends, didn’t truly trust me-I forgive you for not having an honest relationship with me.

Andrew Montgomery, I have so much trouble forgiving you and what you did. It was 12 years ago and it’s still with me all the time. But you are slowly dying of cancer and are in pain. Thanks to karma, I  can forgive you. BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THE HELL I WENT THROUGH FOR 4 MONTHS WITH YOU!! AND I WILL NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

Robin, my ex-husband. I forgave you awhile ago. For thinking that you could heal me, change me. For lying to me, not communicating, for cheating on me for a year, I forgave you 3 years ago. But forget? Not gonna happen.

Oh the service dog community, there are so many to list and name. I’ll only name some. Martha, Marijane, Kate, Dory, Alyssa, Holly, Margo, Dani, Ty, Sadie, Julee, I think that’s more than some. As far as I know, only a few have continued the trash talk for the last 3 years. Because they sadly spend(t) so much of their lives talking trash about an ordinary person who just wanted to be left alone, I can forgive all of them. I sure as FUCK won’t forget. The 5 days I spent inpatient because I wanted to be dead rather than deal with them? I won’t forget. Them telling me to kill Max and myself, not forgetting. The continued harassment and gossip from pathetic people who have nothing better to do? It’s forgiven but never forgotten.

My this is getting to be quite the list!’

Aaron, the guy I briefly dated after my marriage ended. I can forgive him for dumping due to the sexual orientation that he was aware of but still pushed me to go beyond my comfort zone. I’ve been beyond, I’m over it. I forgive you for dumping me because I didn’t put out but continuing to flirt with me. But I’m not going to forget.

Lastly, we have my sister who broke a big promise to me. When I told her that I was leaving Robin, she told me to come live with her. I could stay there for as long as I needed. Or until I clashed with her husband. Her misogynistic, anti-Semitic, sexist, homophobic, vulgar, and xenophobic husband who barely works and can’t get it up. But I absolutely hate him so getting away was a good thing but he wrecked the relationship between us. Bitch (a term of endearment), I forgive you for breaking your promise (marrying the asshole is on you) but I will not forget.

I think that the cannabis is starting to wear off. I think that means we’re done here. This is a pretty extensive list and I find that kinda sad. So many people to forgive and so much that I will NEVER forget.

Believe in Yourself

This afternoon I took my service dog on a training walk and filmed it. I planned on putting the pieces together and posting it on his Facebook page but a new app and many spoons later, it’s still not done. I also started 6 hours ago and I’m eating dinner at 1am. I’ll post here in the morning, I promise!

Max and I were done with the training part and just enjoying our walk towards home. I was wearing this hoodie. I have a few items with this symbol on it. They are from this company.


3ELove

3Elove-Embrace your disabilities, Empower yourself, Educate people about your disabilities, love yourself, and love those who are disabled. It’s a great message. I also have a sweatshirt that says HOPE and one that says I ❤  Service Dogs.

20160316_171234

As I passed the library, two men in desperate need of a shower were sharing a joint. As we approached, they hid the joint. I laughed as they don’t need to hide pot from me. One of them asked me if my hoodie said Believe or Belize. I told him. He said to me,”You’re nothing in front of God but Jesus loves you.” I turned to him and said,”I am something and God believes in me and I believe in Her.” The man opened his mouth to say something and nothing came out.

Those who know me, know I do believe in a Higher Power. Whether you call It God, Allah, Buddha, He Who Must Not Be Named, Mother Goddess, Brahman, Gaia, YHVH, Father Sky, Coyote, Dagda, Amun-ra or Quetzalcoatl, I do believe. But although it’s it’s in the minutiae quite often, I also believe in myself.

I think it’s very harmful to tell strangers “the end is near” “you’re all sinners” “there’s no god” “you’re nothing in front of God”. What if that person was severely depressed and your words were the last straw? Sure, you can’t control the actions of others. You can only control what you do and say. Or at least try. You just never know.

Selah

Why we need to challenge what our trainers tell us.

Rainbow Spoonie’s addendum: I want to show this footage to my dad in hope that he’ll stop thinking CM is amazing and stop making that  “Sssst” sound at their dog. At least I got them to not use a choke chain with her.

 

There has been enough coverage of the incident featured on Cesar 911 recently where Simon the French Bulldog cross, who had previously killed pigs, was allowed to be in an enclosed area off lead wi…

Source: Why we need to challenge what our trainers tell us.

Unapologetic Bitch

It’s International Women’s Day (when I started to write this) so you probably expected me to write about feminism, ableism towards women, trans women, childfree women, the prevelance of abuse and rape culture or some other typical women’s rights topic. But I’m a woman and I’m going to write about whatever I damn well please!

This is a Madonna song from her “RebelHeart” album. It’s called “Unapologetic Bitch”. Video is below, lyrics below that

Woke up this morning feeling good that you were gone
Hurt for a while, but I’m finally moving on
Said it, did it, hit it, quit it
Then you let it go
See you tryin’ to call me, but I blocked you on my phone
It took a minute, but now I’m feeling strong
It almost killed me, but I’m better off alone
Now you’re saying that you’re sorry, I don’t wanna know
Better face the fact you had to go

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

You know you never really knew how much you loved me till you lost me
Did you?
You know you never really knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me
Well fuck you

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an

I know you’d like it if I sat at home and cried
But that ain’t gonna happen, here’s the reason why
When we did it, I’ll admit it, wasn’t satisfied
When the gun was loaded you were never on the side
I’m popping bottles that you can’t even afford
I’m throwing parties and you won’t get in the door
Said it, get it, love it, hate it
I don’t care no more
Tell me how it feels to be ignored

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

You know you never really knew how much you loved me till you lost me
Did you?
You know you never really knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me
Well fuck you

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

You know you never really knew how much you loved me, till you lost me
Did you?
You know you never knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me
Well, fuck you

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an”

It’s been almost 4 years since I left the cheating asshole. He cheated on me for a year! I gave him so many chances and he said he’d stop, he’d change, but he didn’t and I was done. I packed up and moved out. I admit that I was upset for quite awhile, I was with him for almost 8 years. He had also helped me through some very difficult parts of my life. But then he stabbed me in the back!

He frequently apologizes for not being a better husband, wishing he had done better by me, wishing he had gone to therapy with me as I asked him to. Well, it’s too fucking late! There’s no DeLorean to get into and go change the past. So fuck you!

Do you know how many times I forced myself to have sex with you when I found it repulsive? EVERY FUCKING TIME!  I faked orgasms to make you happy. Every time I looked up at you, grinding away at me with no concern for my feelings, I saw my abusive ex. It was like being raped again, every single time! You said that you wanted to help me, to “fix” me. What you wanted was a wife who was a tiger in the bedroom who would also support you financially. I put up with your selfish bullshit for long enough! You have no FUCKING clue what that did to my soul! I was depressed like I never had been before. Life, as I knew it, was, was over.

So, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR CHEATING, FUCK YOUR LYING, FUCK YOUR DRINKING, FUCK YOUR “PROMISES”, FUCK YOUR SECRETS, BUT MOST OF ALL-FUCK YOU!

Maybe I’m an unapologetic bitch but I gotta call it like it is.

 

 

“Til It Happens To You”-a survivors outcry

Many people heard Lady Gaga’s extremely moving piece sung at the Academy Awards. If you haven’t, here it is. Very powerful but can be extremely triggering!

You tell me it gets better, it gets better in time

You say I’ll pull myself together, pull it together, you’ll be fine
Tell me, what the hell do you know? What do you know?
Tell me how the hell could you know? How could you know?

Till it happens to you, you don’t know how it feels, how it feels
Till it happens to you, you won’t know, it won’t be real
No, it won’t be real, won’t know how it feels

You tell me hold your head up, hold your head up and be strong
Cause when you fall you gotta get up, you gotta get up and move on
Tell me how the hell could you talk, how could you talk?
Cause until you walk where I walk, this is no joke

Till it happens to you, you don’t know how it feels, how it feels
Till it happens to you, you won’t know, it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
No it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
Won’t know how I feel

Till your world burns and crashes
Till you’re at the end, the end of your rope
Till you’re standing in my shoes
I don’t wanna hear a thing from you, from you, from you
Cause you don’t know

Till it happens to you, you don’t know how I feel, how I feel
How I feel
Till it happens to you, you won’t know, it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
No it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
Won’t know how it feels

Till it happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
(How could you know?)
Till it happens you
You won’t know how I feel

I was sobbing by the end of this video. Max pushed my phone out of my hand and nuzzled my teardrawn face. Lady Gaga had voiced the words of my soul.

“Pull yourself together, you’ll be fine.”

“Hold your head up, be strong.”

“Get up and move on.”

WELL FUCK YOU! MAYBE I WON’T BE FINE! WHAT IF I CAN’T JUST “BE STRONG”? THIS ISN’T MOVING ON FROM HAVING A BROKEN WRIST OR A PARKING TICKET! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS FEELS! YOU DON’T KNOW THE PAIN I HAVE INSIDE! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE EVERYTHING FALL APART AND TAKE YOU WITH IT, TO HAVE YOUR LIFE BURN LIKE THE PITS OF HELL! STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE! I AM SUCK AND TIRED OF HEARING YOU SAY “GET OVER IT” OR “THAT STILL BOTHERS YOU, IT WAS YEARS AGO!” HOW DARE YOU. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! I CAN ONLY TELL YOU WHAT HE DID TO ME BUT YOU’LL NEVER REALLY KNOW. YOU SAY, “WELL, TELL ME.”  I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT TO YOU! UNLESS IT HAPPENS TO YOU. And you don’t want it to happen to you. I don’t want it to happen to you. But you will NEVER know how it feels.

Hello from the other side

TRIGGERS THERE SHALL BE!

A few days ago a Facebook friend posted one of those videos with hidden cameras where a man is pretending to assault a woman and they see how many people will stop and do something. 1/5 people stopped to help her. They showed the person the cameras and the woman thanked them for being willing to help. At least that’s what I was able to get out of the Italian.

As a survivor and FUCKING HUMAN BEING, it astounds me that so few people stopped to help her. It was all men who stopped, none of the women passers-by stopped. People looked, slowed down but only 1/5 stopped. That absolutely disgusts me!

I’ve been putting off bathing Max for a week. It sucks my spoons and I’ve been doing other things this week. I decided that I was going to do it today, come hell or high water. I’d take him for a walk and then toss him in the tub. It was just drizzling a little. Then life came up and fucking smacked me.

Remember that Italian setup video I described? I LITERALLY just came home from a similar situation! But it was real! I was the passer-by, it was in the public library parking lot. I heard someone yell FUCK really loudly with their whole body across the front seat and only their feet sticking out. It was the yelling that caught my attention. I thought maybe a child in the front seat dropped an iPad or something. He got out of the car, started yelling, another man got out and they both were yelling. As an abuse survivor, people yelling is a trigger and I wanted to run away but I had a feeling there was more. Male #2 slammed the door and took off. A library patron in the parking lot looked at them but didn’t do anything. Male #1 went to the passenger side of the car and got in. A very shaken woman got out of the car. It’s raining and I was already wet but I hurried over to the woman. She was shaking pretty badly. I asked her if she was okay, if I could help her or call anyone for her. She said that she was okay but really wanted a cigarette and asked me if I smoked. I don’t so I directed her to a gas station where she could get some smokes. I gave my dog a hug and walked home thankful for the rain as it concealed the tears on my face.

Lessons I Never Learned In School

These words can be upsetting to hear and triggering to some.


Here in America and every single state they have a set of standards for every subject, a collection of lessons that the teacher’s required to teach by the end of the term. But the greatest lessons you will ever teach us will not come from your syllabus. The greatest lesssons you will ever teach us you will not even remember.

You never told us what we weren’t allowed to say. We just learned how to hold our tongues.

Now somewhere in America there is a child holding a copy of ‘Catcher in the Rye’ and there is a child holding a gun. But only one of these things have been banned by their state government and, it’s not the one that can rip through flesh, it’s the one that says “‘F’ You” on more pages than one.

Because we must control what people say. how they think. And if they want to become the overseer of their own selves then we’ll show them a real one.

And somewhere in America there is a child sitting at his mother’s computer reading the home page of the KKK’s website and that’s open to the public. But that child will have never read ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ because his school has banned it for it’s use of the ‘N’-word.

Maya Angelou is prohibited because we’re not allowed to talk about rape in school. We are taught that just because something happens doesn’t mean we are to talk about it.

They build us brand new shopping malls so we’ll forget where we’re really standing – ON THE BONES of the Hispanics, ON THE BONES of the slaves, ON THE BONES of the Native Americans, ON THE BONES of those who fought just to speak.

Transcontinental railroads to Japanese internment camps. There are things missing from our history books. But we were taught that it is better to be silent than to make them uncomfortable.

Somewhere in America private school girls search for hours through boutiques trying to find the prom dress of their dreams; while kids on the south side spend hours searching through the lost and found ’cause winter’s coming soon and that’s the only jacket they have.

Kids are late to class for working the midnight shift. They give awards for best attendance but not for keeping your family off the streets.

These kids will call your music ghetto. They will tell you you don’t talk right. Then they’ll get in the backseat of a car with all their friends singing how they’re “‘Bout that life” and “We can’t stop”.

Somewhere in America schools are promoting self confidence while they whip out their scales and shout out your body fat percentage in class. Where the heftier girls are hiding away and the slim fit beauties can’t help but giggle with pride.

The preppy kids go thrift shopping because they think it sounds fun. But we go ’cause that’s all we’ve got money for ’cause mama works for the city; mama only gets paid once a month.

Somewhere in America a girl is getting felt up by a grown man on a subway. She’s still in her school uniform and that’s part of the appeal. It’s hard to run in knee socks and Mary Jane’s and all her male teachers know it, too.

Coaches cover up star players raping freshmen after the dance. Women are killed for rejecting a date but God forbid I bring my girlfriend to prom.

A girl is blackout drunk at the after party. Take a picture before her wounds wake her. How many pixels is your sanity worth?

What’s a 4.0 to a cold jury?

What’d you learn in class today? Don’t talk loud, don’t speak loud, keep your hands to yourself, keep your head down. Keep your eyes on your own paper. If you don’t know the answer fill in C.

Always wear ear-buds when you ride the bus alone. If you think that someone’s following you pretend you’re on the phone.

A teacher never fails. Only you do.

Every state in America.

The greatest lessons are the ones you don’t remember learning.

What are the lessons that I didn’t learn in school?

I can say NO. It’s not always about my GPA. What I wear doesn’t matter when he wants to control me with his body. Words really do hurt. How do I write reference letters? A boy pushing me isn’t the way to get me to like him. How to stand up for myself. That I can be honest about my sexuality. That I don’t need a spouse and children to be happy. I should speak up when I see injustices. There’s no shame in mental illness. I’m a feminist. It’s okay to ask for help.I don’t need to be popular. Not enough.

I learned this and more through life. From suffering, pain, trials, happiness, tears, words, abuse, love, heartbreak and continuing.

Selah