Musings While Medicated: Forgive But Never Forget!

Ah sativa to come and conquer my anxiety! It’s been a difficult few days but I’m not going to go into the day-to-day chaos of my life. I have been working on a difficult blog post all week and then Brock Turner was released from prison.

Rapist Brock Turner, formerly a student at Stanford, was caught in the act of raping a passed-out drunk woman behind a dumpster. A judge only sentenced him to 6 months in prison, of which he served half. 3 months? 3 months for a man caught by 2 people in the midst of raping someone? This makes absolutely no sense! I served longer in an abusive relationship than Brock did in prison!

I realized lately how much pain and anger I’m holding against people who have hurt me. I can forgive them, but I will never forget what they did to me.

Grandpa Bill, I forgive you for the emotional and verbal from childhood until you died. To my parents, I forgive you for not saying anything to the old man about what he did to you and us. Specifically to my dad, forgiveness for the verbal and emotional abuse, domestic violence that still effects me, and the spankings that caused me to piss myself. To my peers who bullied me for stuttering, having glasses, or not having the right clothes, you are forgiven. For David, my senior year of high school boyfriend who cheated on me with a guy, forgiven years ago.  Scott who was my first boyfriend in college and couldn’t handle me having male friends, didn’t truly trust me-I forgive you for not having an honest relationship with me.

Andrew Montgomery, I have so much trouble forgiving you and what you did. It was 12 years ago and it’s still with me all the time. But you are slowly dying of cancer and are in pain. Thanks to karma, I  can forgive you. BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THE HELL I WENT THROUGH FOR 4 MONTHS WITH YOU!! AND I WILL NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

Robin, my ex-husband. I forgave you awhile ago. For thinking that you could heal me, change me. For lying to me, not communicating, for cheating on me for a year, I forgave you 3 years ago. But forget? Not gonna happen.

Oh the service dog community, there are so many to list and name. I’ll only name some. Martha, Marijane, Kate, Dory, Alyssa, Holly, Margo, Dani, Ty, Sadie, Julee, I think that’s more than some. As far as I know, only a few have continued the trash talk for the last 3 years. Because they sadly spend(t) so much of their lives talking trash about an ordinary person who just wanted to be left alone, I can forgive all of them. I sure as FUCK won’t forget. The 5 days I spent inpatient because I wanted to be dead rather than deal with them? I won’t forget. Them telling me to kill Max and myself, not forgetting. The continued harassment and gossip from pathetic people who have nothing better to do? It’s forgiven but never forgotten.

My this is getting to be quite the list!’

Aaron, the guy I briefly dated after my marriage ended. I can forgive him for dumping due to the sexual orientation that he was aware of but still pushed me to go beyond my comfort zone. I’ve been beyond, I’m over it. I forgive you for dumping me because I didn’t put out but continuing to flirt with me. But I’m not going to forget.

Lastly, we have my sister who broke a big promise to me. When I told her that I was leaving Robin, she told me to come live with her. I could stay there for as long as I needed. Or until I clashed with her husband. Her misogynistic, anti-Semitic, sexist, homophobic, vulgar, and xenophobic husband who barely works and can’t get it up. But I absolutely hate him so getting away was a good thing but he wrecked the relationship between us. Bitch (a term of endearment), I forgive you for breaking your promise (marrying the asshole is on you) but I will not forget.

I think that the cannabis is starting to wear off. I think that means we’re done here. This is a pretty extensive list and I find that kinda sad. So many people to forgive and so much that I will NEVER forget.

Believe in Yourself

This afternoon I took my service dog on a training walk and filmed it. I planned on putting the pieces together and posting it on his Facebook page but a new app and many spoons later, it’s still not done. I also started 6 hours ago and I’m eating dinner at 1am. I’ll post here in the morning, I promise!

Max and I were done with the training part and just enjoying our walk towards home. I was wearing this hoodie. I have a few items with this symbol on it. They are from this company.


3ELove

3Elove-Embrace your disabilities, Empower yourself, Educate people about your disabilities, love yourself, and love those who are disabled. It’s a great message. I also have a sweatshirt that says HOPE and one that says I ❤  Service Dogs.

20160316_171234

As I passed the library, two men in desperate need of a shower were sharing a joint. As we approached, they hid the joint. I laughed as they don’t need to hide pot from me. One of them asked me if my hoodie said Believe or Belize. I told him. He said to me,”You’re nothing in front of God but Jesus loves you.” I turned to him and said,”I am something and God believes in me and I believe in Her.” The man opened his mouth to say something and nothing came out.

Those who know me, know I do believe in a Higher Power. Whether you call It God, Allah, Buddha, He Who Must Not Be Named, Mother Goddess, Brahman, Gaia, YHVH, Father Sky, Coyote, Dagda, Amun-ra or Quetzalcoatl, I do believe. But although it’s it’s in the minutiae quite often, I also believe in myself.

I think it’s very harmful to tell strangers “the end is near” “you’re all sinners” “there’s no god” “you’re nothing in front of God”. What if that person was severely depressed and your words were the last straw? Sure, you can’t control the actions of others. You can only control what you do and say. Or at least try. You just never know.

Selah

Hello from the other side

TRIGGERS THERE SHALL BE!

A few days ago a Facebook friend posted one of those videos with hidden cameras where a man is pretending to assault a woman and they see how many people will stop and do something. 1/5 people stopped to help her. They showed the person the cameras and the woman thanked them for being willing to help. At least that’s what I was able to get out of the Italian.

As a survivor and FUCKING HUMAN BEING, it astounds me that so few people stopped to help her. It was all men who stopped, none of the women passers-by stopped. People looked, slowed down but only 1/5 stopped. That absolutely disgusts me!

I’ve been putting off bathing Max for a week. It sucks my spoons and I’ve been doing other things this week. I decided that I was going to do it today, come hell or high water. I’d take him for a walk and then toss him in the tub. It was just drizzling a little. Then life came up and fucking smacked me.

Remember that Italian setup video I described? I LITERALLY just came home from a similar situation! But it was real! I was the passer-by, it was in the public library parking lot. I heard someone yell FUCK really loudly with their whole body across the front seat and only their feet sticking out. It was the yelling that caught my attention. I thought maybe a child in the front seat dropped an iPad or something. He got out of the car, started yelling, another man got out and they both were yelling. As an abuse survivor, people yelling is a trigger and I wanted to run away but I had a feeling there was more. Male #2 slammed the door and took off. A library patron in the parking lot looked at them but didn’t do anything. Male #1 went to the passenger side of the car and got in. A very shaken woman got out of the car. It’s raining and I was already wet but I hurried over to the woman. She was shaking pretty badly. I asked her if she was okay, if I could help her or call anyone for her. She said that she was okay but really wanted a cigarette and asked me if I smoked. I don’t so I directed her to a gas station where she could get some smokes. I gave my dog a hug and walked home thankful for the rain as it concealed the tears on my face.

“Big Pharma” & Privilege: Or Why I Wish Allies Would Stop Using This Phrase

I’ve been wanting to say something like this for a long time! We have different diagnoses but my views on “big pharma” are the same.

Foxglove & Firmitas

(Update 1/6/16: As of today, this post has been read almost 80 thousand times.  It was originally written for the Pagan and Polytheist communities and those who regularly read my blog, but very clearly it struck a chord with a lot of people.  I’m actually still pretty shocked by that.  I have made the decision to move any more writing on disability to a new blog, Wunderkammer by C. Laurentine, which will document living life as a disabled artist and activist.  So if after reading this you decide to follow me for my writing on disability, it will be over at the new blog.  Thank you.  Thank you a million times over for reading this.  Thank you. – Camilla)

A friend posts an article on Facebook about how the United States’ medical system does not meet the needs of those with chronic pain. This is a reality that I…

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Musings While Medicated: Rom-Coms are bullshit.

TRIGGERS THERE SHALL BE!

Years ago, I worked at Target for a while. Every 2 weeks we got paid and I bought one of the cheap movies. I have amassed quite a collection of movies, most of them I don’t usually feel like watching. I like them but they make me sad. They remind me of times when my life was different but was a lie.

A few days ago I was watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding; today I was watching 50 First Dates (after having a massive panic attack). Both are rom-coms where the men go amazing lengths for the women they love. In one, it’s religious conversion. In another, it’s learning to help with a disability. But life ain’t a fucking rom-com! It’s difficult to find someone who is willing to make sacrifices for their partner. Or even comprise.

He said he loved me, that he’d convert to Judaism for me. It was a long distance relationship so I found a synagogue near him. But he never did anything with the information. Instead, he hurt me. He’d travel to see me and sexually assault me. He lied, ignored me, didn’t have good hygiene, and used me like a fuck doll.

Then I thought the good guy in the movie of life was coming into save me. He knew what the rapist did to me. He said he’d stick with me and help me heal. I had goals for life. The hero said he’d take the steps necessary to help me make those goals. But he wasn’t able to stick around long enough to let me heal nor was he also to make the steps. We aren’t living in a little cottage where I can take life day by day and he is a handiman for people as he liked to do. I was once again without anyone.

Now I don’t even have family. I’m a pariah and they moved me away from them so they don’t have to deal with me. So now I have me. Max and I.  Life is not a romantic comedy! You don’t always have the perfect loving group of people around you, you don’t have a knight in shining armor, but you have real life. Hold life, push out your presence, do self care, feel empowered. You must think of yourself first. Whether someone helps you or not, you can ALWAYS care for yourself. Don’t be dependent on someone else. That way you always have yourself. This might not be easy and may take time but it’s very worth it. Do for yourself before you can do for others. You can’t change your whole life for some at the drop of a hat. LIFE IS NOT A ROM-COM!

Educate, Empower, Embrace

I am astounded (but somewhat amused) when people are mad at me for having knowledge that they don’t have, don’t want, and seem to fear.

  • Christmas isn’t the only holiday during this time of the year and not everyone has snow.
  • There’s no federal regulations for service dog certification in the United States.
  • Women aren’t here just to have babies and be sex kitten bimbos.
  • Not everyone has to like sex and that’s okay.
  • You can’t get AIDS from hugging someone who has it.
  • Fibromyalgia isn’t in your head. It’s in your whole body.
  • Marijuana doesn’t kill people.
  • Mental health care is extremely important!
  • You must think I’m stupid if I’m going to tell you information like my mom’s maiden name over the internet or other ways to identify me!
  • We need to take better care of our veterans.
  • Queer people are people too. So treat us just as shitty or awesome as you would any other American.
  • PTSD has numerous causes.
  • Modern medicine and technology are going amazing places but I can’t understand it all.

This is some of the knowledge I have. Sometimes people get upset that I mention it but I’m more upset that they refuse to try to get a grasp of it. Educate yourselves with beautiful knowledge, feel empowered by what you know, and embrace life!