Musings While Medicated: Forgive But Never Forget!

Ah sativa to come and conquer my anxiety! It’s been a difficult few days but I’m not going to go into the day-to-day chaos of my life. I have been working on a difficult blog post all week and then Brock Turner was released from prison.

Rapist Brock Turner, formerly a student at Stanford, was caught in the act of raping a passed-out drunk woman behind a dumpster. A judge only sentenced him to 6 months in prison, of which he served half. 3 months? 3 months for a man caught by 2 people in the midst of raping someone? This makes absolutely no sense! I served longer in an abusive relationship than Brock did in prison!

I realized lately how much pain and anger I’m holding against people who have hurt me. I can forgive them, but I will never forget what they did to me.

Grandpa Bill, I forgive you for the emotional and verbal from childhood until you died. To my parents, I forgive you for not saying anything to the old man about what he did to you and us. Specifically to my dad, forgiveness for the verbal and emotional abuse, domestic violence that still effects me, and the spankings that caused me to piss myself. To my peers who bullied me for stuttering, having glasses, or not having the right clothes, you are forgiven. For David, my senior year of high school boyfriend who cheated on me with a guy, forgiven years ago.  Scott who was my first boyfriend in college and couldn’t handle me having male friends, didn’t truly trust me-I forgive you for not having an honest relationship with me.

Andrew Montgomery, I have so much trouble forgiving you and what you did. It was 12 years ago and it’s still with me all the time. But you are slowly dying of cancer and are in pain. Thanks to karma, I  can forgive you. BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THE HELL I WENT THROUGH FOR 4 MONTHS WITH YOU!! AND I WILL NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

Robin, my ex-husband. I forgave you awhile ago. For thinking that you could heal me, change me. For lying to me, not communicating, for cheating on me for a year, I forgave you 3 years ago. But forget? Not gonna happen.

Oh the service dog community, there are so many to list and name. I’ll only name some. Martha, Marijane, Kate, Dory, Alyssa, Holly, Margo, Dani, Ty, Sadie, Julee, I think that’s more than some. As far as I know, only a few have continued the trash talk for the last 3 years. Because they sadly spend(t) so much of their lives talking trash about an ordinary person who just wanted to be left alone, I can forgive all of them. I sure as FUCK won’t forget. The 5 days I spent inpatient because I wanted to be dead rather than deal with them? I won’t forget. Them telling me to kill Max and myself, not forgetting. The continued harassment and gossip from pathetic people who have nothing better to do? It’s forgiven but never forgotten.

My this is getting to be quite the list!’

Aaron, the guy I briefly dated after my marriage ended. I can forgive him for dumping due to the sexual orientation that he was aware of but still pushed me to go beyond my comfort zone. I’ve been beyond, I’m over it. I forgive you for dumping me because I didn’t put out but continuing to flirt with me. But I’m not going to forget.

Lastly, we have my sister who broke a big promise to me. When I told her that I was leaving Robin, she told me to come live with her. I could stay there for as long as I needed. Or until I clashed with her husband. Her misogynistic, anti-Semitic, sexist, homophobic, vulgar, and xenophobic husband who barely works and can’t get it up. But I absolutely hate him so getting away was a good thing but he wrecked the relationship between us. Bitch (a term of endearment), I forgive you for breaking your promise (marrying the asshole is on you) but I will not forget.

I think that the cannabis is starting to wear off. I think that means we’re done here. This is a pretty extensive list and I find that kinda sad. So many people to forgive and so much that I will NEVER forget.

A Beginning

As some of you know, I ended my marriage 4 years ago as of the end of April. But the divorce isn’t complete. The county courthouse was an hour away and no one would drive me there to get help with the paperwork. My health started to skew downwards and that took precedence. We’re legally separated but not divorced. I now live maybe a third mile from the courthouse and plan on going there to get help with my paperwork ASAP! But I also need a get.

A get is a Jewish divorce. While most Reform Jews don’t get one unless they are going to a more religious path, some get one so they can separate themselves from the past and move forwards. I do want that.  But then we will have to convene a Beit Din.

A Beit Din (or court of law) is called for several reasons. Some examples are for conversion a dispute over a piece of land or a divorce. During a conversion the convert will take a Hebrew name to show that they are now part of this community. My rabbi told me that some people will take a Hebrew middle name after a divorce. However I already have a Hebrew middle name. She said I can have more than one so why not? I thought about it and I know the name I want to take. I want to take the name of Dina.

In the book of Exodus, Dina was the only daughter of Jacob, sister to Joseph, and daughter of Leah. As the story goes, she was raped by the prince of Shechem. Many stories have been written about Dina to see if there could be another point of view. Was she really raped? Was Dina in love? Did she want this relationship? Or was it truly rape? As friends and readers of my blog know, I am a survivor. I take the name Dina in honor of the biblical Dina and all past, present, and future survivors.

Unapologetic Bitch

It’s International Women’s Day (when I started to write this) so you probably expected me to write about feminism, ableism towards women, trans women, childfree women, the prevelance of abuse and rape culture or some other typical women’s rights topic. But I’m a woman and I’m going to write about whatever I damn well please!

This is a Madonna song from her “RebelHeart” album. It’s called “Unapologetic Bitch”. Video is below, lyrics below that

Woke up this morning feeling good that you were gone
Hurt for a while, but I’m finally moving on
Said it, did it, hit it, quit it
Then you let it go
See you tryin’ to call me, but I blocked you on my phone
It took a minute, but now I’m feeling strong
It almost killed me, but I’m better off alone
Now you’re saying that you’re sorry, I don’t wanna know
Better face the fact you had to go

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

You know you never really knew how much you loved me till you lost me
Did you?
You know you never really knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me
Well fuck you

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an

I know you’d like it if I sat at home and cried
But that ain’t gonna happen, here’s the reason why
When we did it, I’ll admit it, wasn’t satisfied
When the gun was loaded you were never on the side
I’m popping bottles that you can’t even afford
I’m throwing parties and you won’t get in the door
Said it, get it, love it, hate it
I don’t care no more
Tell me how it feels to be ignored

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

You know you never really knew how much you loved me till you lost me
Did you?
You know you never really knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me
Well fuck you

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

You know you never really knew how much you loved me, till you lost me
Did you?
You know you never knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me
Well, fuck you

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an”

It’s been almost 4 years since I left the cheating asshole. He cheated on me for a year! I gave him so many chances and he said he’d stop, he’d change, but he didn’t and I was done. I packed up and moved out. I admit that I was upset for quite awhile, I was with him for almost 8 years. He had also helped me through some very difficult parts of my life. But then he stabbed me in the back!

He frequently apologizes for not being a better husband, wishing he had done better by me, wishing he had gone to therapy with me as I asked him to. Well, it’s too fucking late! There’s no DeLorean to get into and go change the past. So fuck you!

Do you know how many times I forced myself to have sex with you when I found it repulsive? EVERY FUCKING TIME!  I faked orgasms to make you happy. Every time I looked up at you, grinding away at me with no concern for my feelings, I saw my abusive ex. It was like being raped again, every single time! You said that you wanted to help me, to “fix” me. What you wanted was a wife who was a tiger in the bedroom who would also support you financially. I put up with your selfish bullshit for long enough! You have no FUCKING clue what that did to my soul! I was depressed like I never had been before. Life, as I knew it, was, was over.

So, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR CHEATING, FUCK YOUR LYING, FUCK YOUR DRINKING, FUCK YOUR “PROMISES”, FUCK YOUR SECRETS, BUT MOST OF ALL-FUCK YOU!

Maybe I’m an unapologetic bitch but I gotta call it like it is.

 

 

“Til It Happens To You”-a survivors outcry

Many people heard Lady Gaga’s extremely moving piece sung at the Academy Awards. If you haven’t, here it is. Very powerful but can be extremely triggering!

You tell me it gets better, it gets better in time

You say I’ll pull myself together, pull it together, you’ll be fine
Tell me, what the hell do you know? What do you know?
Tell me how the hell could you know? How could you know?

Till it happens to you, you don’t know how it feels, how it feels
Till it happens to you, you won’t know, it won’t be real
No, it won’t be real, won’t know how it feels

You tell me hold your head up, hold your head up and be strong
Cause when you fall you gotta get up, you gotta get up and move on
Tell me how the hell could you talk, how could you talk?
Cause until you walk where I walk, this is no joke

Till it happens to you, you don’t know how it feels, how it feels
Till it happens to you, you won’t know, it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
No it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
Won’t know how I feel

Till your world burns and crashes
Till you’re at the end, the end of your rope
Till you’re standing in my shoes
I don’t wanna hear a thing from you, from you, from you
Cause you don’t know

Till it happens to you, you don’t know how I feel, how I feel
How I feel
Till it happens to you, you won’t know, it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
No it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
Won’t know how it feels

Till it happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
(How could you know?)
Till it happens you
You won’t know how I feel

I was sobbing by the end of this video. Max pushed my phone out of my hand and nuzzled my teardrawn face. Lady Gaga had voiced the words of my soul.

“Pull yourself together, you’ll be fine.”

“Hold your head up, be strong.”

“Get up and move on.”

WELL FUCK YOU! MAYBE I WON’T BE FINE! WHAT IF I CAN’T JUST “BE STRONG”? THIS ISN’T MOVING ON FROM HAVING A BROKEN WRIST OR A PARKING TICKET! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS FEELS! YOU DON’T KNOW THE PAIN I HAVE INSIDE! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE EVERYTHING FALL APART AND TAKE YOU WITH IT, TO HAVE YOUR LIFE BURN LIKE THE PITS OF HELL! STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE! I AM SUCK AND TIRED OF HEARING YOU SAY “GET OVER IT” OR “THAT STILL BOTHERS YOU, IT WAS YEARS AGO!” HOW DARE YOU. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! I CAN ONLY TELL YOU WHAT HE DID TO ME BUT YOU’LL NEVER REALLY KNOW. YOU SAY, “WELL, TELL ME.”  I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT TO YOU! UNLESS IT HAPPENS TO YOU. And you don’t want it to happen to you. I don’t want it to happen to you. But you will NEVER know how it feels.

Hello from the other side

TRIGGERS THERE SHALL BE!

A few days ago a Facebook friend posted one of those videos with hidden cameras where a man is pretending to assault a woman and they see how many people will stop and do something. 1/5 people stopped to help her. They showed the person the cameras and the woman thanked them for being willing to help. At least that’s what I was able to get out of the Italian.

As a survivor and FUCKING HUMAN BEING, it astounds me that so few people stopped to help her. It was all men who stopped, none of the women passers-by stopped. People looked, slowed down but only 1/5 stopped. That absolutely disgusts me!

I’ve been putting off bathing Max for a week. It sucks my spoons and I’ve been doing other things this week. I decided that I was going to do it today, come hell or high water. I’d take him for a walk and then toss him in the tub. It was just drizzling a little. Then life came up and fucking smacked me.

Remember that Italian setup video I described? I LITERALLY just came home from a similar situation! But it was real! I was the passer-by, it was in the public library parking lot. I heard someone yell FUCK really loudly with their whole body across the front seat and only their feet sticking out. It was the yelling that caught my attention. I thought maybe a child in the front seat dropped an iPad or something. He got out of the car, started yelling, another man got out and they both were yelling. As an abuse survivor, people yelling is a trigger and I wanted to run away but I had a feeling there was more. Male #2 slammed the door and took off. A library patron in the parking lot looked at them but didn’t do anything. Male #1 went to the passenger side of the car and got in. A very shaken woman got out of the car. It’s raining and I was already wet but I hurried over to the woman. She was shaking pretty badly. I asked her if she was okay, if I could help her or call anyone for her. She said that she was okay but really wanted a cigarette and asked me if I smoked. I don’t so I directed her to a gas station where she could get some smokes. I gave my dog a hug and walked home thankful for the rain as it concealed the tears on my face.