Unapologetic Bitch

It’s International Women’s Day (when I started to write this) so you probably expected me to write about feminism, ableism towards women, trans women, childfree women, the prevelance of abuse and rape culture or some other typical women’s rights topic. But I’m a woman and I’m going to write about whatever I damn well please!

This is a Madonna song from her “RebelHeart” album. It’s called “Unapologetic Bitch”. Video is below, lyrics below that

Woke up this morning feeling good that you were gone
Hurt for a while, but I’m finally moving on
Said it, did it, hit it, quit it
Then you let it go
See you tryin’ to call me, but I blocked you on my phone
It took a minute, but now I’m feeling strong
It almost killed me, but I’m better off alone
Now you’re saying that you’re sorry, I don’t wanna know
Better face the fact you had to go

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

You know you never really knew how much you loved me till you lost me
Did you?
You know you never really knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me
Well fuck you

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an

I know you’d like it if I sat at home and cried
But that ain’t gonna happen, here’s the reason why
When we did it, I’ll admit it, wasn’t satisfied
When the gun was loaded you were never on the side
I’m popping bottles that you can’t even afford
I’m throwing parties and you won’t get in the door
Said it, get it, love it, hate it
I don’t care no more
Tell me how it feels to be ignored

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

You know you never really knew how much you loved me till you lost me
Did you?
You know you never really knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me
Well fuck you

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

You know you never really knew how much you loved me, till you lost me
Did you?
You know you never knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me
Well, fuck you

It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is
It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch
But sometimes you know I gotta call it like it is

It might sound like I’m an
It might sound like I’m an”

It’s been almost 4 years since I left the cheating asshole. He cheated on me for a year! I gave him so many chances and he said he’d stop, he’d change, but he didn’t and I was done. I packed up and moved out. I admit that I was upset for quite awhile, I was with him for almost 8 years. He had also helped me through some very difficult parts of my life. But then he stabbed me in the back!

He frequently apologizes for not being a better husband, wishing he had done better by me, wishing he had gone to therapy with me as I asked him to. Well, it’s too fucking late! There’s no DeLorean to get into and go change the past. So fuck you!

Do you know how many times I forced myself to have sex with you when I found it repulsive? EVERY FUCKING TIME!  I faked orgasms to make you happy. Every time I looked up at you, grinding away at me with no concern for my feelings, I saw my abusive ex. It was like being raped again, every single time! You said that you wanted to help me, to “fix” me. What you wanted was a wife who was a tiger in the bedroom who would also support you financially. I put up with your selfish bullshit for long enough! You have no FUCKING clue what that did to my soul! I was depressed like I never had been before. Life, as I knew it, was, was over.

So, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR CHEATING, FUCK YOUR LYING, FUCK YOUR DRINKING, FUCK YOUR “PROMISES”, FUCK YOUR SECRETS, BUT MOST OF ALL-FUCK YOU!

Maybe I’m an unapologetic bitch but I gotta call it like it is.

 

 

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On Death and Dying-in memory of Batya.

In December, I said, I was going to buy a Chumash in January. I only had a Tanakh and I wanted my own Chumash at home for studying. My non-Jewish readers might be a little bit confused. A Chumash is a book. It has the first five books of the Bible (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. Chumash is a derivative of the word for 5.) It’sin Hebrew and the lingua franca, in my case that’s English. There’s also commentary on what is going on. Since the first 5 books are divided into into a certain way as to be read weekky, there’s a section from Prophets with the weekly reading. It’s in the Chumash right after the weekly reading. The Tanakh is a much larger book, it’s the entire Hebrew Bible. T is for Torah or the first 5 books. N is for nevi’im which is prophets. Kh is ketuvim which is writings such as psalms, lamentations, proverbs.

But in January I had to catch up on some bills due to holiday spending so I told myself that I’d get a Chumash in February. Well, right at the end of January my service dog Max got an infected abcess on his paw. An expensive trip to the vet took precedent over the Chumash. Last week at Torah Study, I saw our synagogue librarian going through some books that I knew didn’t belong to the library. The bibliophile in me had to inquire about the books. Apparently they were for sale! They had been donated to the synagogue and while some were being kept for the library, others were being sold as a fundraiser. I started to page through them and my heart sank. The flyleaf said “From The Library of Betty Braver”

Betty (Batya) Braver was a well-respected and very much liked member of our community. She lost her battle with cancer last year and donated her Judaism library to the synagogue. Betty wasn’t just a member of the synagogue. Betty was gifted with the skill of being able to read from the Torah scroll. For those who don’t know, the scroll has no vowels or punctuation. Not only do you read it, you chant it and the musical notations are not in the scroll. Betty not only had this skill but she taught classes so others could learn. I was able to take one of the classes from her. The whole community mourned her passing.

In the box of books, I saw a Chumash! I was so excited! I was going to get a Chumash at a great price and one that was used by a wonderful person. The English calls this  version version with commentary by Reb Aryeh Kaplan “The Living Torah”. And Betty’s memory will forever live at Temple Beth El, through her books, through those chant trope like, via her children, and through all the lives she touched. The people we love never go away for they live in our hearts.

Selah

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“Til It Happens To You”-a survivors outcry

Many people heard Lady Gaga’s extremely moving piece sung at the Academy Awards. If you haven’t, here it is. Very powerful but can be extremely triggering!

You tell me it gets better, it gets better in time

You say I’ll pull myself together, pull it together, you’ll be fine
Tell me, what the hell do you know? What do you know?
Tell me how the hell could you know? How could you know?

Till it happens to you, you don’t know how it feels, how it feels
Till it happens to you, you won’t know, it won’t be real
No, it won’t be real, won’t know how it feels

You tell me hold your head up, hold your head up and be strong
Cause when you fall you gotta get up, you gotta get up and move on
Tell me how the hell could you talk, how could you talk?
Cause until you walk where I walk, this is no joke

Till it happens to you, you don’t know how it feels, how it feels
Till it happens to you, you won’t know, it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
No it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
Won’t know how I feel

Till your world burns and crashes
Till you’re at the end, the end of your rope
Till you’re standing in my shoes
I don’t wanna hear a thing from you, from you, from you
Cause you don’t know

Till it happens to you, you don’t know how I feel, how I feel
How I feel
Till it happens to you, you won’t know, it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
No it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
Won’t know how it feels

Till it happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
(How could you know?)
Till it happens you
You won’t know how I feel

I was sobbing by the end of this video. Max pushed my phone out of my hand and nuzzled my teardrawn face. Lady Gaga had voiced the words of my soul.

“Pull yourself together, you’ll be fine.”

“Hold your head up, be strong.”

“Get up and move on.”

WELL FUCK YOU! MAYBE I WON’T BE FINE! WHAT IF I CAN’T JUST “BE STRONG”? THIS ISN’T MOVING ON FROM HAVING A BROKEN WRIST OR A PARKING TICKET! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS FEELS! YOU DON’T KNOW THE PAIN I HAVE INSIDE! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE EVERYTHING FALL APART AND TAKE YOU WITH IT, TO HAVE YOUR LIFE BURN LIKE THE PITS OF HELL! STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE! I AM SUCK AND TIRED OF HEARING YOU SAY “GET OVER IT” OR “THAT STILL BOTHERS YOU, IT WAS YEARS AGO!” HOW DARE YOU. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! I CAN ONLY TELL YOU WHAT HE DID TO ME BUT YOU’LL NEVER REALLY KNOW. YOU SAY, “WELL, TELL ME.”  I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT TO YOU! UNLESS IT HAPPENS TO YOU. And you don’t want it to happen to you. I don’t want it to happen to you. But you will NEVER know how it feels.

Destroying A Horcrux-In Memory of Sir Alan Rickman

With the passing of Alan Rickman, I wanted to explain what Harry Potter means to me.

Triggers my loves!

During the summer of 2007, I was in a deep state of denial. But I couldn’t handle this pain inside me anymore, I couldn’t keep it inside me. I let it explode like a volcano that’s held back for too long, I just exploded. I just let it out! HE HAD RAPED ME! IT HURT! HE SPENT 4 MONTHS TELLING ME THAT I WAS TOO BEAUTIFUL AND HE COULDN’T HELP HIMSELF! FOR 4 FUCKING MONTHS I BELIEVED THAT HE LOVED ME AND WAS GOING TO MARRY ME! WHAT A YOUNG FOOL I WAS!

I had spent over a month in bed, only getting out to pee, when I got an email from Borders reminding me that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was being released in hardcover on July 21st. I had a copy reserved and I did want it. I dragged myself out of bed and went to the midnight release of the book.

The store was crowded and I hated it. I didn’t want to be around people; I just wanted to get my book and go home. They finally called my name and I had a hardback copy of Deathly Hallows in my hands! I got myself home and started to read. I stayed up all night and read the book. Morning came and I was a teary-eyed mess. Not only had so many wonderful characters died, but this wonderful series was over. I passed the book over to my fiancée and fell asleep.

I had a thrashing sleep full of nightmares. I was fighting Voldemort to get rid of this painful horcrux inside me. I had to kill him as well. Once I could get rid of the horcrux and kill Voldemort, I would be free, I would be me again. I woke up in a sweat, my sweet dog was pawing at my arm. I knew then that I could no longer let myself sit in bed. I had to get up and fight Voldemort!

Bit by bit, I’m chipping away at the horcrux. Voldemort is getting weaker. I won’t let him feed off the unicorn. It’s not easy to destroy a horcrux but I’m working on it. One day, I will be me again, a newer, brighter, and stronger me. I will work on this everyday for the rest of my life, no matter what. Forever and ALWAYS.

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My service dog wearing his Griffyndor scarf (his, not mine. I’m a Hufflepuff) and holding my wand in tribute to Alan Rickman.

“Big Pharma” & Privilege: Or Why I Wish Allies Would Stop Using This Phrase

I’ve been wanting to say something like this for a long time! We have different diagnoses but my views on “big pharma” are the same.

Foxglove & Firmitas

(Update 1/6/16: As of today, this post has been read almost 80 thousand times.  It was originally written for the Pagan and Polytheist communities and those who regularly read my blog, but very clearly it struck a chord with a lot of people.  I’m actually still pretty shocked by that.  I have made the decision to move any more writing on disability to a new blog, Wunderkammer by C. Laurentine, which will document living life as a disabled artist and activist.  So if after reading this you decide to follow me for my writing on disability, it will be over at the new blog.  Thank you.  Thank you a million times over for reading this.  Thank you. – Camilla)

A friend posts an article on Facebook about how the United States’ medical system does not meet the needs of those with chronic pain. This is a reality that I…

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The 5th Night of Hanukkah-a look at the past.

This is the 5th night of Hanukkah and I miss my grandparents. I talk to Grandma every week but Grandpa no longer remembers me, dementia. They were born in the same year as the lovely woman singing in this video. I have extremely beautiful memories of my grandpa who nurtured my love for music and always made me laugh. Our favorite song was in Ladino, Hebrew-Spanish. If I start to sing it, Grandpa will start to sing along as he remembers. Music is what brings us together, it’s one of the few things that triggers memories for Grandpa.

This song is written from the perspective of a child and I am no longer a child not will I ever have one. But when I hear it, I think about my grandpa and the wonderful influence he had on me as a child. I was often a depressed adolescent and then teenager but Grandpa always believed in me. He wanted me to be happy, even if I didn’t have a high-powered career. He loved me for he who I am.

Ladino language lyrics

Hanukah linda sta aki, ocho kandelas para mi, O…
Una kandelika, dos kandelikas, tres kandelikas,
kuatro kandelikas, sintyu kandelikas,
sej kandelikas, siete kandelikas, ocho kandelas para mi.
Muchas fiestas vo fazer, kon alegria i plazer,
Muchas fiestas vo fazer, kon alegria i plazer, O…
Una kandelika, dos kandelikas, tres kandelikas,
kuatro kandelikas, sintyu kandelikas,
sej kandelikas, siete kandelikas, ocho kandelas para mi.
Los pastelikos vo kumer, kon almendrikas i la myel,
Los pastelikos vo kumer, kon almendrikas i la myel. O…
Una kandelika, dos kandelikas, tres kandelikas,
kuatro kandelikas, sintyu kandelikas,
sej kandelikas, siete kandelikas, ocho kandelas para mi.

English translation

Beautiful Hanukkah is here. Eight candles for me, Oh…
One little candle, two little candles, three little candles,
four little candles, five little candles,
six little candles, seven little candles, eight candles for me.
There will be a lot of parties, with joy and happiness,
There will be a lot of parties, with joy and happiness, Oh…
One little candle, two little candles, three little candles,
four little candles, five little candles,
six little candles, seven little candles, eight candles for me.
We’re going to eat little pastries, with small almonds and honey,
We’re going to eat little pastries, with small almonds and honey. Oh…
One little candle, two little candles, three little candles,
four little candles, five little candles,
six little candles, seven little candles.
Eight candles for me.

Musings While Medicated: Rom-Coms are bullshit.

TRIGGERS THERE SHALL BE!

Years ago, I worked at Target for a while. Every 2 weeks we got paid and I bought one of the cheap movies. I have amassed quite a collection of movies, most of them I don’t usually feel like watching. I like them but they make me sad. They remind me of times when my life was different but was a lie.

A few days ago I was watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding; today I was watching 50 First Dates (after having a massive panic attack). Both are rom-coms where the men go amazing lengths for the women they love. In one, it’s religious conversion. In another, it’s learning to help with a disability. But life ain’t a fucking rom-com! It’s difficult to find someone who is willing to make sacrifices for their partner. Or even comprise.

He said he loved me, that he’d convert to Judaism for me. It was a long distance relationship so I found a synagogue near him. But he never did anything with the information. Instead, he hurt me. He’d travel to see me and sexually assault me. He lied, ignored me, didn’t have good hygiene, and used me like a fuck doll.

Then I thought the good guy in the movie of life was coming into save me. He knew what the rapist did to me. He said he’d stick with me and help me heal. I had goals for life. The hero said he’d take the steps necessary to help me make those goals. But he wasn’t able to stick around long enough to let me heal nor was he also to make the steps. We aren’t living in a little cottage where I can take life day by day and he is a handiman for people as he liked to do. I was once again without anyone.

Now I don’t even have family. I’m a pariah and they moved me away from them so they don’t have to deal with me. So now I have me. Max and I.  Life is not a romantic comedy! You don’t always have the perfect loving group of people around you, you don’t have a knight in shining armor, but you have real life. Hold life, push out your presence, do self care, feel empowered. You must think of yourself first. Whether someone helps you or not, you can ALWAYS care for yourself. Don’t be dependent on someone else. That way you always have yourself. This might not be easy and may take time but it’s very worth it. Do for yourself before you can do for others. You can’t change your whole life for some at the drop of a hat. LIFE IS NOT A ROM-COM!