Musings While Medicated: Forgive But Never Forget!

Ah sativa to come and conquer my anxiety! It’s been a difficult few days but I’m not going to go into the day-to-day chaos of my life. I have been working on a difficult blog post all week and then Brock Turner was released from prison.

Rapist Brock Turner, formerly a student at Stanford, was caught in the act of raping a passed-out drunk woman behind a dumpster. A judge only sentenced him to 6 months in prison, of which he served half. 3 months? 3 months for a man caught by 2 people in the midst of raping someone? This makes absolutely no sense! I served longer in an abusive relationship than Brock did in prison!

I realized lately how much pain and anger I’m holding against people who have hurt me. I can forgive them, but I will never forget what they did to me.

Grandpa Bill, I forgive you for the emotional and verbal from childhood until you died. To my parents, I forgive you for not saying anything to the old man about what he did to you and us. Specifically to my dad, forgiveness for the verbal and emotional abuse, domestic violence that still effects me, and the spankings that caused me to piss myself. To my peers who bullied me for stuttering, having glasses, or not having the right clothes, you are forgiven. For David, my senior year of high school boyfriend who cheated on me with a guy, forgiven years ago.  Scott who was my first boyfriend in college and couldn’t handle me having male friends, didn’t truly trust me-I forgive you for not having an honest relationship with me.

Andrew Montgomery, I have so much trouble forgiving you and what you did. It was 12 years ago and it’s still with me all the time. But you are slowly dying of cancer and are in pain. Thanks to karma, I  can forgive you. BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THE HELL I WENT THROUGH FOR 4 MONTHS WITH YOU!! AND I WILL NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

Robin, my ex-husband. I forgave you awhile ago. For thinking that you could heal me, change me. For lying to me, not communicating, for cheating on me for a year, I forgave you 3 years ago. But forget? Not gonna happen.

Oh the service dog community, there are so many to list and name. I’ll only name some. Martha, Marijane, Kate, Dory, Alyssa, Holly, Margo, Dani, Ty, Sadie, Julee, I think that’s more than some. As far as I know, only a few have continued the trash talk for the last 3 years. Because they sadly spend(t) so much of their lives talking trash about an ordinary person who just wanted to be left alone, I can forgive all of them. I sure as FUCK won’t forget. The 5 days I spent inpatient because I wanted to be dead rather than deal with them? I won’t forget. Them telling me to kill Max and myself, not forgetting. The continued harassment and gossip from pathetic people who have nothing better to do? It’s forgiven but never forgotten.

My this is getting to be quite the list!’

Aaron, the guy I briefly dated after my marriage ended. I can forgive him for dumping due to the sexual orientation that he was aware of but still pushed me to go beyond my comfort zone. I’ve been beyond, I’m over it. I forgive you for dumping me because I didn’t put out but continuing to flirt with me. But I’m not going to forget.

Lastly, we have my sister who broke a big promise to me. When I told her that I was leaving Robin, she told me to come live with her. I could stay there for as long as I needed. Or until I clashed with her husband. Her misogynistic, anti-Semitic, sexist, homophobic, vulgar, and xenophobic husband who barely works and can’t get it up. But I absolutely hate him so getting away was a good thing but he wrecked the relationship between us. Bitch (a term of endearment), I forgive you for breaking your promise (marrying the asshole is on you) but I will not forget.

I think that the cannabis is starting to wear off. I think that means we’re done here. This is a pretty extensive list and I find that kinda sad. So many people to forgive and so much that I will NEVER forget.

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Believe in Yourself

This afternoon I took my service dog on a training walk and filmed it. I planned on putting the pieces together and posting it on his Facebook page but a new app and many spoons later, it’s still not done. I also started 6 hours ago and I’m eating dinner at 1am. I’ll post here in the morning, I promise!

Max and I were done with the training part and just enjoying our walk towards home. I was wearing this hoodie. I have a few items with this symbol on it. They are from this company.


3ELove

3Elove-Embrace your disabilities, Empower yourself, Educate people about your disabilities, love yourself, and love those who are disabled. It’s a great message. I also have a sweatshirt that says HOPE and one that says I ❤  Service Dogs.

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As I passed the library, two men in desperate need of a shower were sharing a joint. As we approached, they hid the joint. I laughed as they don’t need to hide pot from me. One of them asked me if my hoodie said Believe or Belize. I told him. He said to me,”You’re nothing in front of God but Jesus loves you.” I turned to him and said,”I am something and God believes in me and I believe in Her.” The man opened his mouth to say something and nothing came out.

Those who know me, know I do believe in a Higher Power. Whether you call It God, Allah, Buddha, He Who Must Not Be Named, Mother Goddess, Brahman, Gaia, YHVH, Father Sky, Coyote, Dagda, Amun-ra or Quetzalcoatl, I do believe. But although it’s it’s in the minutiae quite often, I also believe in myself.

I think it’s very harmful to tell strangers “the end is near” “you’re all sinners” “there’s no god” “you’re nothing in front of God”. What if that person was severely depressed and your words were the last straw? Sure, you can’t control the actions of others. You can only control what you do and say. Or at least try. You just never know.

Selah