“Til It Happens To You”-a survivors outcry

Many people heard Lady Gaga’s extremely moving piece sung at the Academy Awards. If you haven’t, here it is. Very powerful but can be extremely triggering!

You tell me it gets better, it gets better in time

You say I’ll pull myself together, pull it together, you’ll be fine
Tell me, what the hell do you know? What do you know?
Tell me how the hell could you know? How could you know?

Till it happens to you, you don’t know how it feels, how it feels
Till it happens to you, you won’t know, it won’t be real
No, it won’t be real, won’t know how it feels

You tell me hold your head up, hold your head up and be strong
Cause when you fall you gotta get up, you gotta get up and move on
Tell me how the hell could you talk, how could you talk?
Cause until you walk where I walk, this is no joke

Till it happens to you, you don’t know how it feels, how it feels
Till it happens to you, you won’t know, it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
No it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
Won’t know how I feel

Till your world burns and crashes
Till you’re at the end, the end of your rope
Till you’re standing in my shoes
I don’t wanna hear a thing from you, from you, from you
Cause you don’t know

Till it happens to you, you don’t know how I feel, how I feel
How I feel
Till it happens to you, you won’t know, it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
No it won’t be real
(How could you know?)
Won’t know how it feels

Till it happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
Happens to you
(How could you know?)
Till it happens you
You won’t know how I feel

I was sobbing by the end of this video. Max pushed my phone out of my hand and nuzzled my teardrawn face. Lady Gaga had voiced the words of my soul.

“Pull yourself together, you’ll be fine.”

“Hold your head up, be strong.”

“Get up and move on.”

WELL FUCK YOU! MAYBE I WON’T BE FINE! WHAT IF I CAN’T JUST “BE STRONG”? THIS ISN’T MOVING ON FROM HAVING A BROKEN WRIST OR A PARKING TICKET! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS FEELS! YOU DON’T KNOW THE PAIN I HAVE INSIDE! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE EVERYTHING FALL APART AND TAKE YOU WITH IT, TO HAVE YOUR LIFE BURN LIKE THE PITS OF HELL! STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE! I AM SUCK AND TIRED OF HEARING YOU SAY “GET OVER IT” OR “THAT STILL BOTHERS YOU, IT WAS YEARS AGO!” HOW DARE YOU. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! I CAN ONLY TELL YOU WHAT HE DID TO ME BUT YOU’LL NEVER REALLY KNOW. YOU SAY, “WELL, TELL ME.”  I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT TO YOU! UNLESS IT HAPPENS TO YOU. And you don’t want it to happen to you. I don’t want it to happen to you. But you will NEVER know how it feels.

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Hello from the other side

TRIGGERS THERE SHALL BE!

A few days ago a Facebook friend posted one of those videos with hidden cameras where a man is pretending to assault a woman and they see how many people will stop and do something. 1/5 people stopped to help her. They showed the person the cameras and the woman thanked them for being willing to help. At least that’s what I was able to get out of the Italian.

As a survivor and FUCKING HUMAN BEING, it astounds me that so few people stopped to help her. It was all men who stopped, none of the women passers-by stopped. People looked, slowed down but only 1/5 stopped. That absolutely disgusts me!

I’ve been putting off bathing Max for a week. It sucks my spoons and I’ve been doing other things this week. I decided that I was going to do it today, come hell or high water. I’d take him for a walk and then toss him in the tub. It was just drizzling a little. Then life came up and fucking smacked me.

Remember that Italian setup video I described? I LITERALLY just came home from a similar situation! But it was real! I was the passer-by, it was in the public library parking lot. I heard someone yell FUCK really loudly with their whole body across the front seat and only their feet sticking out. It was the yelling that caught my attention. I thought maybe a child in the front seat dropped an iPad or something. He got out of the car, started yelling, another man got out and they both were yelling. As an abuse survivor, people yelling is a trigger and I wanted to run away but I had a feeling there was more. Male #2 slammed the door and took off. A library patron in the parking lot looked at them but didn’t do anything. Male #1 went to the passenger side of the car and got in. A very shaken woman got out of the car. It’s raining and I was already wet but I hurried over to the woman. She was shaking pretty badly. I asked her if she was okay, if I could help her or call anyone for her. She said that she was okay but really wanted a cigarette and asked me if I smoked. I don’t so I directed her to a gas station where she could get some smokes. I gave my dog a hug and walked home thankful for the rain as it concealed the tears on my face.