Musings While Medicated: Rom-Coms are bullshit.


Years ago, I worked at Target for a while. Every 2 weeks we got paid and I bought one of the cheap movies. I have amassed quite a collection of movies, most of them I don’t usually feel like watching. I like them but they make me sad. They remind me of times when my life was different but was a lie.

A few days ago I was watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding; today I was watching 50 First Dates (after having a massive panic attack). Both are rom-coms where the men go amazing lengths for the women they love. In one, it’s religious conversion. In another, it’s learning to help with a disability. But life ain’t a fucking rom-com! It’s difficult to find someone who is willing to make sacrifices for their partner. Or even comprise.

He said he loved me, that he’d convert to Judaism for me. It was a long distance relationship so I found a synagogue near him. But he never did anything with the information. Instead, he hurt me. He’d travel to see me and sexually assault me. He lied, ignored me, didn’t have good hygiene, and used me like a fuck doll.

Then I thought the good guy in the movie of life was coming into save me. He knew what the rapist did to me. He said he’d stick with me and help me heal. I had goals for life. The hero said he’d take the steps necessary to help me make those goals. But he wasn’t able to stick around long enough to let me heal nor was he also to make the steps. We aren’t living in a little cottage where I can take life day by day and he is a handiman for people as he liked to do. I was once again without anyone.

Now I don’t even have family. I’m a pariah and they moved me away from them so they don’t have to deal with me. So now I have me. Max and I.  Life is not a romantic comedy! You don’t always have the perfect loving group of people around you, you don’t have a knight in shining armor, but you have real life. Hold life, push out your presence, do self care, feel empowered. You must think of yourself first. Whether someone helps you or not, you can ALWAYS care for yourself. Don’t be dependent on someone else. That way you always have yourself. This might not be easy and may take time but it’s very worth it. Do for yourself before you can do for others. You can’t change your whole life for some at the drop of a hat. LIFE IS NOT A ROM-COM!

No, I don’t want your bloody tea!

Content Warning-Sexual Consent

I find it sad that we still have to make videos like this. If someone is unable to give consent, the answer is NO. If someone says no at anytime, just back off. I don’t care what they are wearing, what they said before, or if they are intoxicated. No, stop, I don’t like it, go away, this hurts, leave me alone, and others are signs that “tea” isn’t wanted. I don’t want the bloody, fucking tea!

Musings While Medicated: Leave It!

This is a “Musings While Medicated” entry. I wtite these when I am very stoned. I often get emotional when I’m blazed and I need to spill my guts to people on Facebook.

Content Warning-rape

Many rapists make the excuse “I couldn’t help myself” or “You’re too beautiful, I couldn’t stop myself” even though they’ve been told or asked to stop or otherwise been denied permission. Below you see my service dog, Max. He is laying down and displayed in front of him are several of his favorite things. A leash, a few kinds of treats, a ball, a raw bone, and frozen carrots. Max had been told to leave the items alone, thus he did until given permission to have at the treats. He didn’t do this perfectly at first, it took time. A child doesn’t either. They might take cookies from the jar or a toy from a sinling. But they can be taught. If I can teach a dog from the shelter to lay down with a bunch of his favorite things in front of him and not touch them then surely a person can learn not to touch without permission. After all, are the dogs smarter than us?


Educate, Empower, Embrace

I am astounded (but somewhat amused) when people are mad at me for having knowledge that they don’t have, don’t want, and seem to fear.

  • Christmas isn’t the only holiday during this time of the year and not everyone has snow.
  • There’s no federal regulations for service dog certification in the United States.
  • Women aren’t here just to have babies and be sex kitten bimbos.
  • Not everyone has to like sex and that’s okay.
  • You can’t get AIDS from hugging someone who has it.
  • Fibromyalgia isn’t in your head. It’s in your whole body.
  • Marijuana doesn’t kill people.
  • Mental health care is extremely important!
  • You must think I’m stupid if I’m going to tell you information like my mom’s maiden name over the internet or other ways to identify me!
  • We need to take better care of our veterans.
  • Queer people are people too. So treat us just as shitty or awesome as you would any other American.
  • PTSD has numerous causes.
  • Modern medicine and technology are going amazing places but I can’t understand it all.

This is some of the knowledge I have. Sometimes people get upset that I mention it but I’m more upset that they refuse to try to get a grasp of it. Educate yourselves with beautiful knowledge, feel empowered by what you know, and embrace life!

Lessons I Never Learned In School

These words can be upsetting to hear and triggering to some.

Here in America and every single state they have a set of standards for every subject, a collection of lessons that the teacher’s required to teach by the end of the term. But the greatest lessons you will ever teach us will not come from your syllabus. The greatest lesssons you will ever teach us you will not even remember.

You never told us what we weren’t allowed to say. We just learned how to hold our tongues.

Now somewhere in America there is a child holding a copy of ‘Catcher in the Rye’ and there is a child holding a gun. But only one of these things have been banned by their state government and, it’s not the one that can rip through flesh, it’s the one that says “‘F’ You” on more pages than one.

Because we must control what people say. how they think. And if they want to become the overseer of their own selves then we’ll show them a real one.

And somewhere in America there is a child sitting at his mother’s computer reading the home page of the KKK’s website and that’s open to the public. But that child will have never read ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ because his school has banned it for it’s use of the ‘N’-word.

Maya Angelou is prohibited because we’re not allowed to talk about rape in school. We are taught that just because something happens doesn’t mean we are to talk about it.

They build us brand new shopping malls so we’ll forget where we’re really standing – ON THE BONES of the Hispanics, ON THE BONES of the slaves, ON THE BONES of the Native Americans, ON THE BONES of those who fought just to speak.

Transcontinental railroads to Japanese internment camps. There are things missing from our history books. But we were taught that it is better to be silent than to make them uncomfortable.

Somewhere in America private school girls search for hours through boutiques trying to find the prom dress of their dreams; while kids on the south side spend hours searching through the lost and found ’cause winter’s coming soon and that’s the only jacket they have.

Kids are late to class for working the midnight shift. They give awards for best attendance but not for keeping your family off the streets.

These kids will call your music ghetto. They will tell you you don’t talk right. Then they’ll get in the backseat of a car with all their friends singing how they’re “‘Bout that life” and “We can’t stop”.

Somewhere in America schools are promoting self confidence while they whip out their scales and shout out your body fat percentage in class. Where the heftier girls are hiding away and the slim fit beauties can’t help but giggle with pride.

The preppy kids go thrift shopping because they think it sounds fun. But we go ’cause that’s all we’ve got money for ’cause mama works for the city; mama only gets paid once a month.

Somewhere in America a girl is getting felt up by a grown man on a subway. She’s still in her school uniform and that’s part of the appeal. It’s hard to run in knee socks and Mary Jane’s and all her male teachers know it, too.

Coaches cover up star players raping freshmen after the dance. Women are killed for rejecting a date but God forbid I bring my girlfriend to prom.

A girl is blackout drunk at the after party. Take a picture before her wounds wake her. How many pixels is your sanity worth?

What’s a 4.0 to a cold jury?

What’d you learn in class today? Don’t talk loud, don’t speak loud, keep your hands to yourself, keep your head down. Keep your eyes on your own paper. If you don’t know the answer fill in C.

Always wear ear-buds when you ride the bus alone. If you think that someone’s following you pretend you’re on the phone.

A teacher never fails. Only you do.

Every state in America.

The greatest lessons are the ones you don’t remember learning.

What are the lessons that I didn’t learn in school?

I can say NO. It’s not always about my GPA. What I wear doesn’t matter when he wants to control me with his body. Words really do hurt. How do I write reference letters? A boy pushing me isn’t the way to get me to like him. How to stand up for myself. That I can be honest about my sexuality. That I don’t need a spouse and children to be happy. I should speak up when I see injustices. There’s no shame in mental illness. I’m a feminist. It’s okay to ask for help.I don’t need to be popular. Not enough.

I learned this and more through life. From suffering, pain, trials, happiness, tears, words, abuse, love, heartbreak and continuing.